2,294

I weigh 249.1 pounds since the last time I stepped on the scale. I am trying to maintain my weight loss currently while I am in production for Seven Spots on the Sun. I probably could have lost another 10 pounds this month but maintaining it now is what is important during the stressful times.  I am averaging workouts 3-4 times a week now. I try to do something active every day. It is not as difficult as it once was when I was balancing work, theatre and my Mother.

I have lost 54 pounds and now I have a goal weight of 150 pounds. I have given myself until December 31st, 2017 to shed the rest. I feel incredibly different in some ways and in some ways I am still the overweight girl trying to breathe through the workout and trying to navigate all of the emotions that come with so many drastic changes in a year.

I am more determined than ever to lose the weight and keep it off and now I am 1/3 of the way through. It hasn't been easy but it hasn't been as hard as beating myself up all the time for not taking care of myself. I will get there one day at a time. This is my journey.

2088 days

I spent the weekend in Vegas I was a little terrified of what that might mean for my diet. I'm down to 282.3 so I didn't blow everything. I'm gaining confidence because everyone is being so supportive. I still have a long way to go but I'm not giving up.

2081 days

Well today feels good. I weighed myself today and I weigh 285.3 pounds. When I began again I had not weighed myself in three months so that's 18 pounds and it feels good to say my goal weight loss is now 135 pds. instead of 150. That feels real good. I'll take it.

2055 Days

My how time flies. I'm still battling this weight loss journey. I lost my Mother two months ago and I promised myself I'd be the priority from now on. I'm working with a trainer. I'm on my 4th day of exercise and I feel more determined than ever before to prove something to myself by conquering this battle. I need to know I can prevail. The only  reasons I haven't are excuses.

1,310 Days

My how time flies when you're avoiding the truth.  So clearly I don't keep every promise I make to myself.  I do however not forget the promises and my body is talking to me loud and clear that it's time to make some changes.  Inspired by my friends and my incredible life that I have no wish to lose anytime soon I am once again back.  I am not making empty promises and I am not making excuses.

Within the span of a week six months ago I was laid off from my job due to "reduction in work force" and then a week later my Dad passed away from a heart attack.  Perspective is necessary now.  I keep checking back in here because I remember where I was four years ago and I know where I am now and I know where I want to go.  If I don't make it I will have only myself to blame.  So as of now I am using an app that helps me track my calories and I have joined a 60 day challenge.  The challenge as of now is to stick to 2,000 calories a day for 60 days and then after that I will revisit my next challenge.  I do want to let my body know that I am listening and I know it's telling me if I don't get it together it's not going to be able to help me get to where I need to go, literally and figuratively.

Here's to never giving up.

1,001 Days Later

Hello out there,

Wow.  It's been 1,001 days since I was so resolute that it was time to make a change.  It's been 785 days since I last posted to my goal 120 blog.  It's been every day that I thought about it and then pushed it back into the recesses, the cavernous spaces that I have allowed to defeat me every single time.  Work, primary caretaker, running a business, my friends, obligation, routine, distraction, fucking pizza, excuses by the pound literally.  There are a few things I know for sure.  It is never too late.  As long as you are breathing there is a second chance.  I have a lot of satisfaction in my life.  I have accomplished things I am very proud of but for some reason I cannot seem to conquer me.  There is always this nagging feeling that I am letting myself down, that life can be better, that I am not the best me I can be and there's my health.  Since my last post I have had a cyst the size of a grapefruit removed from my lady parts.   I was in constant pain for over two years until anyone figured out what was going on.  Cholesterol is high, blood tests indicate a likelihood I could have a major heart event at any time IF I don't make a change.

A friend of mine who I relayed my concerns to has gifted me 90 days with a personal trainer and nutrition coach.  I started a program on Friday which includes meal plans, workout suggestions, and accountability.  I'm going to conquer this in a way that works for me.  I don't give up easily.  I'm excited, I'm terrified I will let myself down again.  I'm going to take one day at a time and do the best I can.  It's funny the things we prioritize.  If I make up my mind to do something typically it's as good as done but this is the mountain I can't get to the other side of but I'm going to begin the climb again... One day at a time.......

Day 216 Square One

Where do I begin.  Again.  I begin again. 

Day 102 I suck at blogging

On this the last day of 2010 I thought it was important that I write one last note on my dear blog.  What a year.  I bet no one has said that.  This has been a year of a lot of change and I am looking forward to a new year to start new.

I have a new job, living in a new place and still working on a new improved version of me.  It has been a challenge to stay on course.  Since my last post I have not lost one pound.  I am going to congratulate myself still on this last day of 2010 because I have also not gained one pound and you will note that the last post was before Thanksgiving.  So some of the changes I have made definitely work.  I can thank the food I have been eating and how I have been eating it for that.  I have not lost any weight simply because I quit exercising.  I ran that mile and then I just pretty much stopped.  I have had some workouts here and there but I have not stuck to my routine.  I got a hall pass until today because of the move and the job change and blah blah blah.  Today I begin again with a walk. 

My New Year's Resolutions are simple:

Take care of me so I can take care of you
Love and be Loved
Remember my dreams and make them true

Thank you all for reading and I wish you each a blessed 2011.

Anis Mojgani says it better than I ever could....

Day 65 Milestones

I ran my first complete mile today since I was about 22 years old.  I ran it in 16 minutes and 13 seconds.  That's all.  Gobble Gobble.

Day 63 Turkey Day is Near

Thanksgiving can be a blessing... and a curse when you are from the deep south.  I have already volunteered to prepare the meal this year and it is the first time I have really thought about what we will actually eat and how it will be prepared.  I come from a long tradition of preparing enough food on this one day to feed an entire country.  There are no questions that there will be turkey, stuffing, potatoes (mashed and sweet) green beans, something fried usually a vegetable, usually cauliflower, rolls, pies, dips, veggie trays, on and on.
There are always too many leftovers and most of them get thrown out.  We will still have all of the usual dishes but portions and leftovers will be in check this year and nothing fried!
It is so easy to find healthy alternatives thanks to google Healthy Alternative Recipes!

I have had such a crazy emotional weekend followed by the last few weeks of crazy changes happening so fast but all for the good and it reminds me that it is time to make a list.

Things I am thankful for in 2010...

1. My Family
2. My Friends
3. My Impetus to do better and try harder
4. My legs that work and are able to help me achieve my goals
5. My sore body that is getting stronger with every back breaking workout that Delia puts me through
6. My Art (it has saved my life literally and figuratively)
7. My Cats (yeah I said it... don't judge me!)

Next topic... Lectures.

Recently, (this past week) I was lectured by who we will call my personal trainer.  I do not respond well to lectures I never have.  Something I know about myself is that once I make up my mind to do something (except win the lottery) I am going to do it.  I have been on this blue orb long enough to know that if I don't take the proper steps I won't reach my goals.  If I don't change my eating habits and stick to the discipline of working out I won't lose weight and I won't be healthier.  It is so simple.  So I am saying now that if I don't reach my goals for some reason it will be my cross to bear.  Upon deeper inspection I beg the question why don't I want to be lectured aside from the obvious demeaning nature of lectures in general and I think I know.  I don't want to consider the idea that I won't achieve this goal because for as long as I remember I said one day I would make up my mind to do this and for as long as I remember I have skipped past that day with alarming speed and now the day is here... every day is the day to make the best choice for my health.
I am on board but I will take the lectures because they remind me of all the days that came before and when you recruit other people to be a part of a journey like this you owe it to them as well to show up and to let your accomplishments also be their accomplishments because no one would jump on this train if they didn't care about you a lot.

Day 51 I'm Tired

I am feeling a crazy lack of energy the last few days and I know it is because I am not working out as much as I should be.  I started a new job today and I had every good intention of getting up early and working out this morning but I am seriously blocked when it comes to early mornings!  It is an uphill battle.  Some have suggested that it may also be the stress of all the recent changes in my life.  Hmmmmmm I wonder? 

I am excited about my recent shopping trip to the grocery store.  I have decided that I will be taking my own lunches to work from now on.  This is good habit to break and I will probably save a lot of money as well (duh).  Everything I bought was checked for calorie, fat, sodium content etc.  I recently watched Food Matters so I am going to take some of the basic tips from that film and implement them into my routine.  It is on netflix or you can view it at the link above for $4.95.  Definitely worth the watch!  One of the things they suggest is drinking a full glass of water the minute you wake up for cleansing and detox.  That's easy.  I also purchased organic fruits, vegetables and milk so I am going to determine if that affects the way I feel.  I eventually am going to implement more vitamins as well.  Right now I am taking Vitamin C and a daily supplemental vitamin.

I have noticed that my skin is clearer, my pants are looser, I crave physical activity more and I am sleeping better.
All in all I am still motivated and feeling good about my progress however agonizingly slow it is.

Day 48 All the excuses we make...

Blogging is hard.  With my head bowed I make this entry.  It has been far too long and these are the excuses I will make which is part of the problem to begin with (all the excuses I have made).  I got the flu, the worst flu I have ever had and was sick for days in bed.  Then I quit my job.  I had been pondering this move for awhile and was given the impetus to move on one Tuesday afternoon.  To move, forward motion, leave security of a paycheck to keep my dignity intact I was practically pushed out the door by my own will.  That is all I will say but it is my excuse for not blogging.

When I made this move completely out of character and with no prospects it was as if the universe grabbed me in its infinite arms, scooped me up, gave me a huge pat on the back and said "Carla I will not let you fail".  "Universe!!! how will I get another job in this economy?  What about my Mom? I take care of her what was I thinking what will I do!?!?!  I don't want to live in my car... what about my goals will I let myself down... again?"  The Universe said... "you will get a job making more money with benefits so you can reach your goals personal and financial and it will start next Tuesday the anniversary of the day you finally believed enough in yourself to know you deserve more."

So sometimes bold moves are more than just impetuous sometimes they are a saving grace.  Next Tuesday I start my new job.  Thank you Universe and all the angels you sent to help.

This blog is about weight loss so here goes first of all thank you to those of you who said Carla what the hell? Why aren't you blogging?  It feels good to know you are paying attention.  The results of my first month came out on the 28th of October... I lost 7.6 pounds and 4.5 inches total.  Those are not quite the numbers I was hoping for so the next thing that has to be tackled are my eating habits and sticking to the rules that have been laid down by my fearless friend Delia who has got my number and doesn't mind calling it to ask me why I am blowing it!!!  I fell just shy of my goal of two pounds a week so if I want to meet my ultimate goal by my ultimate goal date I have to step it up and lose 3-4 pounds a week.  

Observations so far include a few things that are hard to swallow.  When you tell your friends that you are not drinking for a certain period of time to allow your body to detox and they buy you alcohol and continually try to make you drink it you start to wonder if A: they heard you when you said you aren't drinking B: if they want to sabotage your goal and C: if they need to go to an AA meeting.  Please support what I am trying to do and please know that I am feeling honesty is the best policy nowadays more than ever in a way I cannot begin to describe but I think it has something to do with life being too short to not tell the truth.

I conclude by telling you about the evening I had last night on a double decker bus with about 40 other people and these guys Nite Kite Revival.  I have to thank my friend Kym for sharing a love of spoken word poetry and for sharing this evening with me.  These guys pick up the day... they just eat life up with a spoon.  It reminded me that joy is okay and good and we need some more.  Pretend You Live for a Living

Day 16 3.2 pounds

It's been awhile since my last post.  I felt really good this morning when I got on the scale and saw that I had lost 3.2 pounds!  I have to be honest with myself and you fair reader... I probably would have lost more if I didn't take a break from physical activity since Thursday of last week.  That was four days with no workout.  That was bad!  After I got on the scale this morning and saw that I still lost a few pounds it really motivated me to come home and kick my own ass so I got out for my walk but I ran as well and I did the stairs a few times at the park I found around the corner from my house. 
 
I haven't realized how self-conscious I am when I run by myself.  I noticed it tonight because in the past if I saw a car coming or another walker and I was by myself I would stop running.  Tonight I didn't but I hated it.  "Love Hurts" by Incubus helped a little.  He says love hurts, but sometimes it's a good hurt and it feels like I'm alive and it did feel like that when I was running cars or no cars.

Right now I don't have specific food goals but I am sticking to the rules my friend gave me to follow:  No food after 8 p.m., No alcohol for 90 days, No fried foods, and still writing everything down religiously.  I am eating oatmeal every day also because it definitely keeps me full. 

I happen to be watching Biggest Loser and this bitch is complaining about losing 12 pounds in a week!  I think this show is valuable for a lot of people who need inspiration but 99.9% of us don't get to go to a ranch for 90 days and focus only on learning how to take care of ourselves with world class chefs and trainers. Some of us work Monday through Friday 9-6 and have a crapload of responsibilities.  12 pounds a week is great but not necessarily healthy or the best way to lose weight.  I know watching someone lose 3.2 pounds a week doesn't make for fascinating television but I for one am totally riveted by my 3.2 pounds and can't take my eyes off of it.  Stay tuned!

Day 9 293.2 Pounds

So there it is.  My weigh-in was less than satisfying.  The only positive is that I am not 300 pounds.  I don't want to fixate on the number but it is what it is.  It is too much. 

This past weekend was the AIDS walk and I walked 3 miles.  It is the first time I have walked three miles since last year's Aids Walk.  I did have a weird pain in my foot after a movement class on Sunday and that put me down for a day.  Tonight I decided to work out in the pool with my friend.  I thanked her afterward for keeping me just alive enough to not be dead.  Pool workouts are deceiving.  While in the pool I felt fine. I lost my breath once, upon exiting the pool my legs were jelly.  I welcome the pain bring it on.

I don't like to focus on negatives like my weigh-in for example.  Instead, I want to talk about the universe.  I have tested the theory that get what you ask for for most of my adult life.  I have achieved almost everything I have set out to do.  This is one obstacle that I said I would overcome time and time again and I have not.  The minute I made up my mind to do this a whole universe of help showed up on my doorstep.   I basically have a personal trainer, I have another friend offering me gyrotonic sessions, and so many of you have offered to work out with me, or go on walks or try new dance classes etc.  I am very grateful and very blessed to have all this support.

That number is coming down.

Day 5 Potluck

I told a dear friend recently that I was tired of being fat.  She responded by telling me I wasn't fat.  That is love, but love makes us do crazy things like lie to people we love!  I know the negative connotations associated with being fat and I have never felt all of the fallout because I have been blessed to be surrounded with people who love me and would never say or do anything to hurt my feelings intentionally.

Honesty is the best policy.  Let's take the negatives away and look at the facts.  Obesity is a huge problem in our country and it is costing us billions of dollars not to mention lives.  If admitting that I am fat to myself and it is time to do something about it will save my life or give me more time to spend with the friends that love me then then yes, it is time to make a change. 

Those changes are coming slowly.  Maybe today is a bad example of big changes because there was a potluck at work.  Good Lord it was like Hometown Buffet.  I certainly restrained myself but not to the point where I feel like a total success. 

I did work out after work today and had some serious muscle cramping in the gyrotonic workout.  Apparently, sugar will cause that because it collects in your joints.  Mental note: no more sugar before the gyrotonic workout because it is all about lengthening and strengthening and that will work your joints.

Sunday is Aids Walk and I am really looking forward to it because it is so motivating to be with a group of people who care enough to take the time to do something for someone else.  That is kinda like how it is with me right now I want to take care of myself so I will be around a long time to enjoy the friends who tell me I'm not fat even though I am!

It really isn't a dirty word...

Fat: n.

1. 1. The ester of glycerol and one, two, or three fatty acids.
   2. Any of various soft, solid, or semisolid organic compounds constituting the esters of glycerol and fatty acids and their associated organic groups.
   3. A mixture of such compounds occurring widely in organic tissue, especially in the adipose tissue of animals and in the seeds, nuts, and fruits of plants.
   4. Animal tissue containing such substances.
   5. A solidified animal or vegetable oil.
2. Obesity; corpulence.
3. The best or richest part: living off the fat of the land.
4. Unnecessary excess: "would drain the appropriation's fat without cutting into education's muscle" (New York Times).

SYNONYMS   fat, obese, corpulent, fleshy, portly, stout, pudgy, rotund, plump, chubby. These adjectives mean having an abundance and often an excess of flesh. Fat implies excessive weight and generally has negative connotations: was getting fat and decided to exercise. Obese and corpulent imply gross overweight: "a woman of robust frame . . . though stout, not obese" (Charlotte Brontë). The dancer was corpulent but surprisingly graceful. Fleshy implies a not necessarily excessive abundance of flesh: firm, fleshy arms. Portly refers to bulk combined with a stately or imposing bearing: "a portly, rubicund man of middle age" (Winston Churchill). Stout denotes a thickset, bulky figure: a painting of stout peasants. Pudgy means short and fat: pudgy fingers. Rotund suggests roundness of figure, often in a squat person: "this pink-faced rotund specimen of prosperity" (George Eliot). Plump and chubby apply to a pleasing fullness of figure: a plump little toddler; chubby cheeks

Day Four Uphill Battle

Literally, I climbed some hills the other night and was horrified at how out of breath I was.  It wasn't like it was a mile straight up it was a couple of yards.  We went up three and ran a little in between and it really took a lot out of me.  I thought we had gone about 10 miles but come to find out it was less than two ;).

I am feeling stronger and I can already feel my clothes are a little looser but I have a long way to go!
Monday will be my first weigh-in, measurements and picture.  I am not sure if I will share that info. in my blog yet?  It still feels a little personal!  I like to use exclamation marks to get my point across by the way.

I have always known that losing weight takes discipline and a lot of determination but I think keeping it off takes a lot more.  There are a thousand temptations a day.  I'm surprised we aren't all horribly obese in this country because even just a basic meal in a restaurant (or what I think is a basic meal!) will take up all of the calories I will be allotted in a day.

I start counting calories next week and I just can't wait!  This week I have been writing it all down so when we add it up on Monday it should be interesting and enlightening.  I set this blog up for adsense through google and I cannot choose the ads they post but I can I say that some of the products they are selling will not work.  I stand by my theory that the only way to lose weight and keep it off is by completely changing your mindset and how you conduct your daily life.  You must burn calories and eat foods that will help you do that.  You cannot rub away your cellulite with a cream or take a pill to lose belly fat fast!  You have to exercise.  You have to eat the right foods all throughout the day so your body never feels like it is being starved.  You have to be patient and realize it isn't going to melt away like butter but wouldn't that be awesome!

Day Two Feeling Good

First of all setting up a blog is like trying to get a degree... there are so many options but I only have one goal!  I have to keep my eyes on the prize but geesh while trying to find info. to make my blog interesting I have come across so many amazing blogs and now I feel like rather than losing 120 pounds I have to figure out how to be the best blogger that ever blogged.  I am not going to do that rather I will remind myself why I am here to begin with.  To MOTIVATE myself to stick with it!

First of all thanks for all the support I am getting from all of you.  If you have any feedback or comments please feel free to share.  I want to hear from you.  I know I am not the only one who wants to take better care of myself so share away!  Now there is such a thing as over-sharing.  I do want to hear from you but my friend and I did discuss all of the unsolicited advice that would come my way once I publicly announced this journey I am on.  I believe from personal experience that any kind of life change has to start from within and we have to make these changes under our own terms.  I appreciate your personal experiences and challenges but I have a plan that I believe will work for me and I am going to stick to it!

Today I am going to meet with a friend who has recently been certified in gyrotonics... more info here:
Gyrotonic

I have had two sessions and I really like the workout because it is very low impact but you feel the results right away as muscles you didn't know you had begin to punch you from your insides.  Also, I owe a special shout out to Daisy Fuentes and Jenni McCarthy for their Wii workouts.  Jenni is much friendlier as she alerts you that you aren't quite cutting the mustard.  Daisy could work on her tone she is kinda bitchy if you don't go fast enough.  Both are pretty good for at home workouts.  I know this because I have been walking around the office like Frankenhooker.  I know this is from neglect and I am going to embrace the burn this time rather than run from it.

After three weeks of consistently doing at least a half hour a day of some sort of exercise I have noticed a few things that are encouraging:  1.  I am sleeping through the night with no interruptions (except for my cat occasionally jumping on my face) and 2. My skin does seem to be less oily.

Rock and Roll marathon is on June 5, 2011 and I haven't decided if I will run the whole or half yet but either way I will be there.  I have been saying I was going to run a marathon for a long time and it is time to check that one off the list!  My co-worker bet me $100 to lose 100 of the 120 by the marathon I took the bet.

Day One

Inspiration

This video was posted to facebook by a friend over the weekend.  It is inspiring but it also was a wake-up call.  I am a 36 year old woman who also has to lose 120 pounds.  That is almost overwhelming to consider.  It is painful that I let myself get to a point where I have to lose an entire person.  A close friend of mine who has lost the weight and kept it off and who has the discipline to stick to a fitness routine has agreed to offer her help and motivation.  I have not exercised consistently in about 4 years but for the last three weeks I have exercised almost every day for at least 30 minutes.  I will be trying many different physical activities to figure out what I enjoy the most and to challenge myself.

Two things I have tried was a mile hike up Mission Trails (technically half a mile up and half a mile down) and I went row-boating and paddle boating for the first time ever at Lake Cuyamaca last weekend.  I enjoyed both of those activities very much and plan on doing a full mile the next time we tackle Mission Trails.

I have agreed to measurements, photos and a weigh-in once a month to keep track of my progress and I will post those details as well.

Today I started tracking everything I eat in a journal and will stick to that as religiously as I can so that I can be very honest with myself about how I got to this point in the first place.